Friday, 6 January 2017

one year

*tw*

The universe has a strange way of subconsciously reminding you of certain things, which is what I realised today when I felt really weird...it's an extremely difficult thing to describe. Then I realised how my life was very very different this exact time last year, to be honest, if I had made a decision one whole year ago to this day I wouldn't be here to write this. Despite that being so horrible to write, it made me realise how much not only my life, but myself as a person has changed in a year. Even though I tried hard to keep myself distracted for the whole day today, its hard to completely ignore such a huge thing in your life even if it is in the past. Mainly that is why I decided to write this as firstly, writing is very therapeutic but also to remind myself how different I am from the person I was a year ago.

A good analogy is to use is dominos (not the pizza), where if you line all of them up and then if one falls down they all do and its just a pile collapsing, I could apply that to what was my life. A whole build up where the final thing that tips you over the edge can just be the tiniest push.
There is a big difference between the emotion of being anxious, and experiencing it on a clinical level  which a lot of people seem to not be able to distinguish without experiencing it. I once heard someone describe this feeling as a dark mass inside you that comes and goes, usually at the times you least expect it. It can really take over your whole life, for me it meant I missed a lot of school which wasn't great considering I was in the second year of A Levels, and consequently I didn't do as well as I was expected to do in my exams and meant I couldn't go to the university I wanted to. In a way of course I am upset about those circumstances but this is the part where it gets better...

Despite never wanting to re-live what I went through, and it sounds crazy to say it, but I am glad I went through it as it changed my life - temporarily for the worse, but long term for better. I became a nicer person, I learnt it is very important to see the good in every day and in people as well. I learnt compassion, I realised who my real friends are most importantly I learnt to value life.

In a way, maybe the plans I had were never meant to happen for me. Looking back I am glad things didn't go to plan for me as I wouldn't be where I am now and I wouldn't have met the people I have. Some people don't understand why when they ask me what I want to do with my life, I can't give them an answer, and it's hard to explain to people why I, for the time being, live my life in quite a care-free way. This is why I don't place so much emphasis on the future because I have learnt there is no way of knowing what will happen in your life and it is so much better to live in the moment sometimes.

Even though a year ago I had absolutely no hope in anything, the strangest thing is, looking back now at it, that has given me so much hope as now I live my life by the fact everything happens for a reason, and everyone who comes into your life is there for a reason too. I believe everyone has a pre- determined life path, and sometimes you have to get lost in it to come out and find the way again.

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